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Sharing Parenting Tips
from: Jennifer Bingham HullI faced a challenge when we started a family: my husband, Bill,
had no domestic skills. He wanted to share parenting. His
flexible hours as an academic allowed him to help at home. But
he could barely boil an egg.
Needless to say, our early experience was rocky. We persevered,
however, and the fifty-fifty parenting arrangement we worked out
with our first child made having our second baby much easier
than it would have been otherwise. What follows are tips from
our experience and from my reporting on the subject:
*Be sure it's what you want. Sharing parenting involves
tradeoffs. As a mom, you don't always get to do things your way.
You negotiate childcare issues a lot with your mate, which can
be tedious. However you get a real partner and the kids get a
hands-on dad. You also understand each other's lives better than
when you operate in separate spheres.
*Take a stand. Women usually don't get a fifty-fifty deal
unless they push for it. Parenting tasks can be tedious. Many
men won't do them unless asked. In addition, women serve as
gatekeepers for fathers' involvement; studies show that husbands
take cues from their wives about how much to step in. Make clear
what you want, see if he agrees, and if so, get out of the way.
*Don't take work as an excuse. Recently a new mom asked
me, "If I stay at home with the kids and he works, should I
expect him to help after hours?" Yes. After all, come evening
you've both worked. Alternate parenting duties after hours so
each person gets a break. But recognize that if he works 80
hours a week sharing parenting probably isn't an option. Parents
who share duties usually have family-friendly careers.
*Be specific. I spent our first year parenting saying, "I
need more help." Bill responded, "I want to help." And round and
round we went. Finally I listed our domestic duties and we
divided them up. Making the list was empowering. Finally all my
minute tasks were visible to my partner. I also realized how
much my husband was doing already.
*Create mom and dad duties. Often the obstacle to sharing
parenting isn't the man in the house, but the toddler. The
minute daddy takes over, the little one screams, "NO, I WANT
MOMMY!" Kids thrive on routines so set duties can help with
this. Make dad the bath guy and mom the bedtime reader. Don't
intervene when your husband is in charge. And if junior hollers
for dad when you're on duty? Don't judge yourself by your
toddler's whims.
*Be flexible. Equal doesn't have to mean the same. Some
couples thrive splitting childcare tasks down the middle. Others
prefer to carve out separate spheres of responsibility. Either
way works as long as each parent is free from meddling by the
other.
*Train him. Nobody likes being told what to do. But if
your husband is like mine, you have to train him. Show him how
to make one simple kid's meal. Don't rescue him. You learned how
to cook burning burgers too. And take heart, attitude is more
important than aptitude. The difficult guy is the one who made
the gourmet meals when you were dating and has refused to cook
since.
*Air anger when necessary. The silent treatment doesn't
work. I know. I've tried it. Having a tantrum, however, can be
effective. I'm not proud of the one I had in a restaurant but it
got my man's attention. Men can handle anger, but they're lousy
at reading tea leaves. Better a few fights than resentment.
*Plan for baby number two. If you're having a second
child, talk to your husband about the family's needs before the
baby arrives. What worked or didn't the first time around? How
can you do things differently? Get dad to start caring for your
older child before the second arrives, by, say, getting your
firstborn ready for school. Think small. What will need to be
done? Who can do it best?
*Brag about sharing parenting. Boast to the women at the
park. Praise your husband's parenting skills in front of others.
A lot of people want to share parenting but lack role models.
Your example can help. Bragging also recognizes shared parenting
for what it is: a great accomplishment!
(c) 2005 Jennifer Bingham Hull. Reprint rights granted as long
as the article is published in its entirety, including the
resource box and live links in it.
About the author:
Jennifer Bingham Hull is the award-winning author of Beyond
One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life. To learn more,
visit
where you can also contact her to receive this "Life Beyond
One" column regularly and sign up for her free newsletter.
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